With Halloween and Thanksgiving behind us, it’s time to turn our attention to the next family holiday, Christmas. However you celebrate this time of year, there is no doubt there is some fun, but also some stress, ahead of you. The holidays offer plenty of reasons to be stressed out -- the gifts you haven’t wrapped, the pile of cookie exchange invites, and those Christmas cards you have yet to address. But for many, the biggest source of holiday stress is family. And if you are a parent of a young child, there may be a reason holiday gatherings with family may be stressful. It is something we like to call the “comparison game.”
“What is the ‘comparison game’?” you ask. It is when your sister, who has a child six months younger than your child, insists that her child is “using complete sentences and does not understand why your child is not using any words at all.” Or your aunt, who, “does not see why your child is not walking at 13 months when her granddaughter is walking at 11 months old.” Is any of this starting to sound familiar? Competitive parents can be tricky to deal with, but it is even harder when someone you are close to is playing the game.
When the “comparison game” happens during the holidays, family gatherings can be an added source of stress for parents of young children. But that doesn’t mean the solution is to skip the holidays entirely. With just a few coping skills, family gatherings can still be a joyous and fun part of your holiday traditions.
As a social worker in the Early On program, I often hear parents say how hurtful these comparisons can be. A young mother told me, “It almost feels as if I am a failure as a parent if my child is not doing what other children his age are doing.” Another mom said, “It feels as if that parent is using their child’s progress as an act of one-upmanship.”
Comparing a child’s development with other children is not necessarily a bad thing, but when parents become competitive, the result can be troublesome. Too often, competitive parents see early development as a sign of intelligence or a reflection of good parenting, but it is neither. Children all grow and develop at their own pace. Being ahead in one area of development is no indication that this child is on track for a gifted or talented program. It also does not mean that her parents are in line for a parent of the year award. It simply means that in one area of development, one child in on a faster pace than another.
.
So how do you deal with competitive parents in the comparison game? Honesty is the best policy. Tell others straight forward that you are proud of all your child’s milestones no matter how long it takes him to reach them, and that it is not a competition. You can also ask why the person would say such things and if they mean to make you feel bad? By being honest, you may find that your sister, aunt, mother or friend may have no idea that their words are hurting you. You may save your relationship. If the behavior of competition continues, you have at least put your concerns on the table, and can decide if the relationship is worth your time in the end.
One mother I met shared with me some great advice. Because the comparison game became too hard for her and her cousin to bear, they decided to get together monthly over lunch and gossip about anything other than their babies. They became friends again and left the mothering part of their friendship out of the equation. It saved their relationship and gave them time away from parenting at the same time.
Another parent told me that as long as she knows that her child is fine, she does not worry what other parents say. It is natural to make comparisons. Although she does not find it acceptable to voice comparisons, if others do it, she just lets it roll over her. As long as she knows she is doing the best she can do. “All babies are different, so don’t let what someone else says worry you.”
As a mother, sometimes the comparison game can leave you with some pretty negative feelings. Deep down you often wonder, could I be doing more? Could I try harder? Am I really doing all I can do? Sometimes, we all have an overwhelming feeling of failing at everything we do because we don’t have enough time or energy to do it all. Well, I can tell you, you are doing fine! Do not question yourself. You are the perfect mother for your children today. Do not let the world quantify your motherhood. So embrace the joys of the holiday season. Fond memories of the holidays are one gift you can leave your children, even if it does include a little stress.
If you would like to find out a little more information about holiday stress you can go to:
When Parent Compare: www.thrivingfamily.com
8 Tips to Beat Holiday Stress: www.paconferenceforwomen.org
Holiday Survival Guide for Families with Special Needs: www.abilitypath.org
This blog entry was contributed by Pam Gregorski, a Social Worker with the Ionia ISD Early On program.
No comments:
Post a Comment