Conscious Discipline - Not Just for Classrooms!

Picture this: You and your preschooler are getting ready to play outside in the snow together. We all know that the challenge of dressing a child to play in the snow is not one for the faint of heart. You see your child start getting frustrated because their coat sleeves are inside-out or they can’t find their mittens. Before you know it, your child is crying, you are yelling, and you are probably starting to second guess the whole thing!

Before you decide to throw in the towel, take a deep breath… we are about to find out why your preschooler is not listening to you and what you can do to help them!

Conscious Discipline teaches us that children (and adults) have three brain states, the Survival State, Emotional State, and Executive States; and preschoolers are only able to productively solve problems in the executive state.  

When your child is crying or screaming on the floor, they are in their Survival State. Your child may also avoid eye contact, be resistant to questions and touch, or have a tense face and/or body. When your child is in their Survival State, they are NOT ready to solve their problems or address any issues that are going on.

Taking Action: You may be asking yourself, “What do I do when my child is in their Survival State?.

• Gain your own composure – take a deep breath (or two) and calm down
• Say to your child, “You are safe. You can handle this”
• Say to your child, “Breath with me” and take deep breaths together
• Use an assertive and ‘matter-of-fact’ voice.

As your child starts to calm down, they will often transition to the Emotional State. How do you know if your child has moved on from their Survival State to their Emotional State? If your child is in their Emotional State, their body will be relaxed. They will be seeking touch or a connection with you and looking to make sure that they are still loved.

Taking Action: What can you do to help your child move out of their Emotional State?

• Offer encouragement and say, “You can do this.”
• Offer empathy and label feelings and say, “You are sad/upset/angry, what do you need?”
• Give love! Do not discipline, teach, or problem solve
• Offer two choices that are acceptable – “Do you want to where your blue mittens or red mittens?”

It is only when your child reaches the Executive State that they can truly understand and reflect upon what upset them. You will know your child has transitioned from their Emotional State to their Executive State when they are calm and willing to learn. Your child will be able to learn new skills, reflect on the past, and plan for the future. They will also be able to see the impact they have on others. This might be several hours or even the next day before you can reach this point.  

Taking Action: What can you do to help your child when they are in their Executive State?

• Teach a new skill – like pulling sleeves back right-side in.
• Problem solve (Do this if there have been no imposed consequences that were previously set.)
• Problem Solving is your chance to talk about what happened and what to do next time. This does not have to be immediately after your child’s tantrum; it could be later in the day or even the next day. Do this only when your child is calm and in their Executive State. Say, “Do you remember when ___ ?” For example:  “Do you remember when you were screaming and crying on the floor when we were getting dressed and ready to play outside? You were upset.)”. Ask your child, “What do you think we could do next time?”. You should try to problem solve with your child most often – rather than resorting to consequences.
• Implement Consequences (Can be Natural or Imposed).
• Natural Consequences are those that happen without adult interference. For example, if your child refuses to eat dinner, the Natural Consequence would be that they feel hungry. Feeling hungry would deter them from skipping dinner again. However, if you make them a dinner later in the evening, you will stop the natural consequence from happening and the behavior may continue.
• Imposed Consequences are those that have been set before the tantrum. For example, you tell your child ahead of time, “If you do not eat your dinner, you will not get to have dessert”. These should be used sparingly.

One of the other key components of Conscious Discipline is “Tones of Voice”. When talking with children who are working through their Brain States, it is important to be matter-of-fact and use an Assertive Voice; rather than a Passive or Aggressive Voice.

Adults who use a Passive Voice manipulate children and give them power. A Passive Voice includes: begging, asking them to stop, telling them it will help you, bribing, or ignoring the situation. Adults who use a Passive Voice also give choices when there are none.

The other extreme is using an Aggressive Voice which includes empty threats like, “If you don’t do this, I’m going to…”. Aggressive-voiced adults use always/never statements like, “You never do what I ask” or “You always do this”. They also use “Need-To” statements; “You need to put your coat on”. Sometimes, they don’t use any voice at all but they physically respond by making children do something, moving them, picking them up, holding them still, etc.

Taking Action: You may be asking yourself, “How do I be assertive and use my Assertive Voice?.  First, bend down to your child’s eye level and use gentle touches. Use “do” statements that are clear and direct to tell your child what they should be doing rather than what they should not be doing. Model what you want them to do using actions and words. Offer them two choices when it doesn’t matter and then stick to what they choose. If choices are not an option, say, “There’s no choice”; for example, “It’s time to ______, there’s no choice”.

By remembering the Conscious Discipline Brain States and Tones of Voice, you can help your preschooler learn how to work through conflicts, solve their own problems, and teach them new skills. You will both be able to get outside and enjoy playing in the snow together in no time. 

If you would like to learn more about brain states, watch this video by Becky Bailey who is the founder of the Conscious Discipline Aproach.

Dr. Becky Bailey at TEDx - Wiring the Brain for Success

This blog post was contributed by Chelsey Fitz, teacher in the Great Start Readiness Preschool Program for the Ionia Intermediate School District at Oakwood Elementary in Portland.